When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
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WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
[Sloth Job Interview]
Sloth Boss: How would you describe yourself?
*2 hours later*
Sloth Interviewee: Quick-thinking.
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
me: a carrot is a crop
friend: yes
me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top
former friend: i suppose
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.