not me looking down to google βwhy is my dog staring at meβ only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet πππππ
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“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Is it even the holidays if you donβt have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when Iβm driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
When I found out WAP didnβt mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my nieceβs graduation card π€¦πΌββοΈ
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Got a text from an unknown number that said βIβm on my way,β so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Kid logic: donβt need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or momβs pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Welcome to your 40βsβ¦you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
him: damn girl youβre hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
eating my hot dog hamburger style
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Okβ¦who left the bag of idiots open?
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*