Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
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At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Astrology isn’t real. Oh wait- I share a birthday with Lizzie Borden? Okay, that checks out.
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.