Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
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Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
KID: what do geese do at night
PARENT: good question
GOOSE(in a surveillance van): [spits out coffee] dammit we’re running out of time
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Feel. He’s so soft.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.