End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
You Might Also Like
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
listen closely
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
EXCITED INVENTOR: this is the best thimg since sliced bread!!!!!
SLICED BREAD: [anxiously smokig in the corner] i wish i was never invented
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.