INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I feel seen
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
[Day 739 of me refusing to admit I’m stuck in a tree]
No I did this on purpose.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
All set.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that