Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
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Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
Here, let me loosen those morals for you.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I’ve got chills. They’re doing advanced calculus and quadratic equations.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
Worth the read.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
Guy on this bus just congratulated his friend for having a birthday. Indeed, congratulations are in order for this unique accomplishment
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….