Seismologists are loyal to a fault
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“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
I’m an old soul. I know this because when my ex left me she kept saying I was “real mature” while rolling her eyes in admiration.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
If by “social butterfly” you mean I will take off when you come near me, then yep.
Went to dinner with a recovering alcoholic vegan who just quit smoking. Everything entering or leaving my mouth was offensive #WorstDateEver
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!