men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
You Might Also Like
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs