surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
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Sad news for all of us remembering Princess Diana’s death 25 years ago today, and also for any girls born on that day who are now too old for Leonardo DiCaprio.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Nose
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww