If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
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A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
*at plastic surgery consultation*
Surgeon: “So here’s the estimated cost for the plastic surgery.”
Me, broke: “How much for paper surgery?”
The game has officially changed 😎
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
It’s an epidemic…
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.