Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
You Might Also Like
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
I wish this was real life…
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
*TRAFFIC GOING 60 MPH IN A 65 BECAUSE A COP IS DRIVING 60*
ME (passing the cop at 61 and not breathing at all): I feel alive.
I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.
we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
I don’t hate children, just yours.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.