I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
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Wife: Good morning handsome
Me: Hi
Wife: How about you relax, I make us some coffee, and then I… do things to you
Me: *as wife leaves* Wow is this a dream?
Wife: *from the other room* Never mind, the kid threw his shit on the wall again
Me: There it is
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
My dog asked what it was like to be human, so I told him that talking was a good start.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
Jupiter
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me: *giving blood*
Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
it’s always terrifying when i’m alone in my apartment at night and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” because i dread making small talk
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato