“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
You Might Also Like
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Sorry, “hella” was an inappropriate word choice. I was trying to be cool. I’ll rephrase: Your son is totally missing.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.