I’m on a diet and a nice thing about it is that, when I’m eating less, my mind is so much clearer and I can see that all that really matters is food
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Was at a political event recently (not my usual scene), MP was selling raffle tickets to support a potential parliamentary candidate.
I asked him how much they were.
He said “It’s five pound a strip”
I said “Do I get to choose the music?”
Just looked at me then walked off 🤣
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.