I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
General Lee didn’t have kids?
A parent Lee not.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
“Want me to help you with that tux?”
“No”
“Ok, suit yourself”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*