Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
You Might Also Like
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
When people say something is cray-cray it makes me wanna vom-vom
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Daughter: Here you go!
Me: You’re my favorite.
Son: Yesterday, you said I was your favorite!
Me: Yesterday, you were closest to the remote.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
Oh hi lol
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.