5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
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My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
I put the mess in domestic.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Lmao the reply
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
A leaf blower, but for people.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.