Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
You Might Also Like
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have