We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
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swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
I want a transformer who turns into a vacuum (no cool reason I just want him to vacuum)
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?