Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
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They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
🤣✨#caturday
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who got exactly what he wanted for breakfast. Apparently.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: I don’t have a fear of the unknown.
Also me: *stepping on something wet* OH MY GOD! What is that?! Why is it wet?!
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
The pilot’s been taxiing to our gate for 20 minutes, so apparently he landed at the wrong airport and we are driving the rest of the way.
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder