Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
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When you’ve been debugging for hours and the issue was a missing semicolon, you appreciate the little things. Also, considering a career in farming.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
‘Tis the season when you think about your loved ones…
…and realize that although you love them, it’s not that “rush one-day delivery” fee kind of love. Ever.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*