*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
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The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.
Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
me to wife: the mailman refuses to deliver mail here anymore
me three days ago: I should build replicas of all the traps in home alone
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.