They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
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It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid