So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
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Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
at the salon thinking of going darker for winter
maybe i’ll kill the shampoo girl
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
Mom: Time to wake updog.
Son: *groggily* What’s updog?
Mom: Just waking you up for school, dog, what’s up wit u?
Dad (from hallway): OWNED
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it