World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
bought wrong eggs
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
how high up are we talkin’?
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high