The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there
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fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
My daughter asked me if the tooth fairy would only give money for *her* teeth and I’m a little concerned
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
Bike is short for Bichael.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
Always trust your dog’s first impression of someone.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument