2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
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It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
IF YOU KIDS DON’T COME BACK TO THIS TABLE AND FINISH YOUR LUNCH RIGHT NOW, I SWEAR I WILL SIGH HEAVILY, EAT IT MYSELF AND GAIN 3 POUNDS.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related