Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
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Me My dog
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
This is always good for a laugh.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
America is 5 wars away from receiving a free one.
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
This is Sparta
Friends: Come get a drink with us after work?
Me: Nah, I gave up drinking for my New Year’s Resolution.
Friends: C’mon, just have one….
Me: Ok, maybe just one.
[ three hours later at the club ]
Me:
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[screaming over sirens] I SAID ACTUALLY YOU’RE NOT “FIGHTING” THE FIRE YOU’RE WATERING IT
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.