Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
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Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
This makes total sense…
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.