Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.