Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
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DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
My dog is home alone today. I wish I could call him and make sure he’s okay, but he keeps his phone on silent
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
cat vs inanimate object
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography