I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
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What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Get in loser we’re going crying
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
What in the hipster hell is going on here
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.