Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You Might Also Like
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Whenever my turd splashes loudly in a restroom stall I play the sound of a baby crying on my phone and yell “it’s a boy!”.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
Still my favourite meme.
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
This made me chuckle.
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.