I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
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<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
there’s probably a fee though
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]
*extended period of silence*
“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.