Goat cheese is for herders.
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I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
i think all men sincerely believe they could safely land a commercial airliner in an emergency situation with only air traffic control to walk them through it
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Do you think animals have famous animals in their social groups, or do you think they worship celebrities? But a group of cows worshiping a super sexy cow – does that happen?
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes