“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
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THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
WIFE: You know, you’re my best friend! Am I your best friend?
ME: [subtly exchanges knowing glance with our dog] Of course you are, sweetie
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
😜
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers