no one ever comes back
You Might Also Like
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
this is 10/10 content no notes
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
[running into my ex]
Ex: omg it’s you
Me: yeah
Ex: we should exchange numbers
Me: I don’t think that’s a good idea
Ex: you backed into my car though
Me: look we’ve both moved on
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me