Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
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“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Me: What do you say when someone shows you a pic of their ugly baby?
Friend: Just make a comment like “Look at all that hair!”
[looking at pic later on]
Me: Look at all that nose!
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!