Can’t. Being lazy.
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
why would tinder want me to say this
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos