I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
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DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
Welcome
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
accurate
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.