[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
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She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
selena gomez
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
🤣dope
Doctor is treating me with a steroid for my poison ivy and said it will make me very hungry and irritable, so no one should see any changes in my behavior.
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.