Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
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When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
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I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
Kids be so pure. My son was telling me how his friend’s dad works at Panda Express. I asked could he get us the hook up. My son said he didnt know but asked me why i didnt have a useful job for our life like that
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today
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I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
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Thoughts and prayers for my son who thought it would be funny to tell me “I’ll get to it when I get to it, woman”
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me