My mom asked what my office does for faxing since we’re completely remote, so I had to tell her we’re actually located in 2024
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Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
me: going to the gym
friend: but it’s 2AM
me: got to exercise my demons
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
Me: *To my 5YO* Can I have your Twix? Those were my favorite at your age.
5YO: They used to make Twix when the world first started?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.