ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
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I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
That’s fair
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.