bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
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When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
i was baptized in a car wash
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram