Remembering when I was 5 and in the tub, my mom had to answer the phone, so I leapt out the tub, ran down the street naked to a park and punched a kid who threw a rock at me the day before. His Dad saw what happened and chased me up the street to where my Mom was just losing it
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So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Merica.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.