My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
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“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
I accidentally bought the “Super Long & Extra Absorbent” maxi pads this month and I think that’s why I have dry mouth.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.