Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
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“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second