HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
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My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Coffee is ready.
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
This guy at the bar wouldn’t shut up about how Zombies “could be real”
So I killed him…
If he comes back…He wins the argument
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
If looks could kill
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
become ungovernable